Today, I'm taking a break from the usual and putting up a little something which isn't a photograph. It's just a normal day at SELTI and then this email pops into my inbox. Perfect timing really! I'm so bored of filtering through the 'usual' application emails. Enjoy - this is a laugh and a half!
Dear Human Resources Director:
I am writing to apply for the position of English Teacher as advertised on tefljobs.com. I believe that my education and work experience make me the best candidate for this position. In addition to having a BS in Intergalactic Trade with Extra-terrestrial Natives and a Master's in Fruity Hats, I also possess in-depth knowledge of potato farming. Furthermore, I spearheaded a special initiative combining both of these skills when I established the first potato farm on Mars in September of 2006.
At my previous post, I participated in a project aimed at facilitating trade with other galaxies via the Wal-mart on Mars Sector 5. In this position, I gained valuable skills that I believe would be beneficial for your company. For example, I'm an expert in communicating with micro-organisms. Additionally, I can perform photosynthesis simply by utilizing a water bottle and three straws. Moreover, prior to being stationed on Mars, I completed my internship inside of a black hole. During this very valuable experience, I learned to use space and time efficiently, as we were faced with constant gravitational pull and vacuuming. Although not directly relevant to this position, I think it's still important to note that I taught reptilian offspring English while I was working as a guard dog in the south of France.
When it comes to my personal attributes, I am fluent in English, Farsi, Chinese, Microspeak, and Martian. As a motivated, prompt, dedicated, dyslexic, and Aspie employee, I'm sure that you will find me a joy to work with. As I'm immortal, employment duration is open. Location is not a problem for me either, as I own an eco-friendly photon hovercraft.
I hope that you will review my qualifications, as I'm genuinely interested in working with your company. Enclosed you will find my CV with additional information outlining my education and experience.
Thank you kindly for your time in reviewing my application. I hope to hear from you soon.
Kind Regards,
Ubarwye Looc
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